Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Mar"rage" - is it?

Yeah yeah I am still alive, just sprinted through a deadline yesterday and I have to take the steam out now...No stop there, don’t start flipping already, I didn’t say you will be the scapegoat. So sit there and hear out the story.

Very short time ago, in fact just few hours ago, Ram sighed standing near the coffee machine, “We are anyways sacrificing so much…” Shyam, with a similar long face as Ram, continued “Yeah, what more do they want?” Time for a heroic entry and thus I walk into the room [heroine-ic doesn’t sound right]. Two confused souls turn to me as their last desperate hope [very exaggerated].

After gulping some hot chocolate, “hmm…my case was different guys!” I said. “How can it be different, you are after all from a typical south Indian family yourself?” Shyam enquired innocently. “Dude, I met her dad, he belongs to 30th century” Ram answered for me. ”I wish my parents could atleast understand half as your dad” Ram continued with a sigh again. That’s it! the world turned topsy turvy and anger is all what Shyam could blurt out and a series of loosely connected thoughts are what we could hear thereafter.

“We work for 14 hours a day, and damn these suckers call us to work on weekends too!” “Why? Coz we are single… So what, if we are single, don’t we have lives!?” taking a breather, he continued “Even if these suckers let us have a weekend, our parents will suck our blood out with endless calls about 20+girls that they checked out for us...”

…Ram continued the remaining script “Now if we show interest, they‘d say “Are we dead that you have to look for yourself” common Vamsee, today they hit the roof telling me “What’s there for you to look at the girl, when we checked her out”…I am losing my heart from this marriage stuff…I just feel like getting it over with!”

I had no answer for Ram, except “hmm, don’t lose heart so easily Ram, you probably are not alone!” A little hug helped him, he said later in a quick offline, but the thought of how parents take this arranged marriage concept to the extremes and how kids get suffocated just being told ‘what-who-how’s of marriage stayed with me for the rest of the day.

This trend of how parents take it as their "responsibility" to find the grooms/brides for their offsprings, without realizing that their offsprings are old enough to generate a village full of offsprings has become a trend in the name of tradition.

Noooo, I am not taking sides here but when is it that our parents will realize that we are grown enough to at least sit with them and discuss about our needs and preferences in selecting our partners with out actually taking hypocrisy rides.

For all you protesters out there, take it easy for a minute, Once again I am neither against Indian parenthood nor Indian system of arranged marriages. All I am asking is for a tweek in the system, to allow the grooms and the brides to also be actually a part of the system. All I am asking is to make our traditional, colorful Indian marriages more of a union of souls, a Marriage than just another event of mad-rage!

PS: if you want to pull that times-are-changing card, I'd say think twice as the number of such strictly arranged marriages is almost proportional to the growing population of India. My dad who allowed me to chip in my preferences in the groom selection (only 'chip' ) is in reality considered as a person way ahead of his times. So, the times I guess havenot soooo changed yet, atleast not for our folks!

29 Comments:

Blogger My Ramblings... said...

... I am losing my heart from this marriage stuff…I just feel like getting it over with!”

I was thinking like that when my mom was driving me up the wall with marriage proposals. Nothing I said mattered, I mean I am the one getting married. Thankfully dad was pretty cool about it, he said you decide, no pressure and no emotional blackmail. But we all know that there will be compromises and all that. :)

Wed Jan 18, 03:39:00 AM  
Blogger R said...

Aaaah.. I know what you mean..! the day my sister started working, my folks started looking. Thank God they were patient and heard all that she had to say, and eventually agreed..! She's getting married to the guy she has been going out with! Yippeee my folks thankfully are cool, allowed her to choose herself! :)

Wed Jan 18, 08:35:00 AM  
Blogger Abhishek said...

if u think that by avoiding that going for an arranged marriage is better by rather than getting married to the person u always loved...just for the sake of keeping ur parents happy...
who is the loser then???

Wed Jan 18, 10:28:00 AM  
Blogger Sudarshan said...

Well that's interesting.I agree with you.Atleast in my case I don't think this typical arranged thing will work.I won't run away from my house and marry lol but I'll make sure I'll marry the person I want and not someone who's enforced on me..because someone won't be enforced on me lol..Marrying someone whom you don't know at all sounds damn scary to me!!

Wed Jan 18, 10:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...parents take it as their "responsibility" to find the grooms/brides for their offsprings, without realizing that their offsprings are old enough to generate a village full of offsprings has become a trend in the name of tradition.

Yupp, cannot say it any better than this...So TRUE!!!Good post:)

Wed Jan 18, 11:32:00 AM  
Blogger Anil.kumar03@gmail.com said...

Vamsee :

here's my take on this.
arranged marriage is a necessity in India for years to come. its still not common to find a partner all by yourself , so there the parents pitch in and eases your tension of getting a mate.

ok, now in arranged marriage, yes, the guy/girl('s) opinion should definately be taken care of , else its not more than a forced marriage.
But the problem still exisitng with the arranged marriage is that in many a cases , there is too much pressure on deciding the mate in a span of a couple of hours. They say , first you get engaged then you can talk to him/her. Now you know, when you get engaged, its not easy to break the engagement , more so for reasons that there are some differences with the would-be-mate(ur elders dont give a damm to this reasoning ) and the reputation of both the families is at stake. and f***ing hell, you helplessly become a scapegoat for the bindings of two families and you have to start your new life with a not-so-happy state.
now I understand that 99.9% of marriages are compromise , but it is that the latter the marriage becomes compromise , the better it is.

"I so much want to have a love marriage , only one problem , not finding my love :(( ..........."

-ATG

Wed Jan 18, 12:36:00 PM  
Blogger Dalicia said...

hiii :) i agree that you should have a say with your future husband. in the case of arrange marriage. afterall, you'll have to sleep with him for the rest of your life.

maybe the parents feel that their job is done once you marry off. with women, it's usually the AGE factor.

my dad is concerned about my love life. because most of my cousins are married or will be getting married. they're younger than me! :)

but seriously, you don't want to end up with a man that's going to make your life miserable.

Wed Jan 18, 01:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure most ppl can relate to this one..i guess it is most people's agony.."why do my parents have to be so inconsiderate in this issue..and its my life..damn!!".. girl u should have suggested some ways to get over with it ;) (i'm sure u must have had ur own tricks to get what you want) rather than suggesting some tweaking measures..coz this aint gonna be heard by our parent generation..

Wed Jan 18, 05:01:00 PM  
Blogger Vamsee said...

My Ramblings - So, what happened next? did you marry already or still looking?;) hehe u dont have to answer that but glad you could relate to the post!:)

Rohit - Welcome here!:) Congratulations on your sister's wedding...let us all know when your search begins(or ends!):)

Abhishek - true, it is definetely a cultural shift of thinking!:)

Sudarshan - I love your confidence buddie and yes, indeed its scary but from the other side of the wall, do you hear "it takes a life to know a person"...I guess its a fine line! Good luck in your search, though:)

Shyam - Thank you and glad you liked it:)

Anil - Great point, a window for a bigger problem: "Pressures of family prestige!"

Elaine - Welcome here!:) I dont know for sure if the guy may ruin your life, but my point is to take a lesser chance of it!:)

Femz - "hmm think Holmer think! does Femz need a cheat sheet before her next India call...?", says Vamsee scratching her head:)

Wed Jan 18, 05:42:00 PM  
Blogger Known Stranger said...

get back get back.. get in touch. some is waiting for you to get in touch.

Wed Jan 18, 09:35:00 PM  
Blogger The Comic Project said...

aiilla...serious stuff i'd say. I guess it is about control. And the reason the bride/groom will never be part of the system (pre-marriage) is because parents want to show that they are on top. In the event where parents allow the bride/groom to make the choice, it is control of a different type they show (I let you choose control). Reminds me of the dialogue in Shahenshah where Amitabh says "Rishte me to hum..tumhare baap hote hai" :-) Naam hai...Hardanhalli Doddegowda Devegowda. no particular reason for choosing this name - just that he was in the news - ditched by his son (fake of course) - so that the family is in control

Wed Jan 18, 11:09:00 PM  
Blogger Accidental Fame Junkie said...

Ahhh "marriage"! That word again! I don't understand how parents are willing to let their daughters and sons go abroad find their college/profession of their choice but are not willing to let them choose their own partners.

Just curious, how does your Dad react to dating the prospective groom for a while (to check him out i.e.) and then deciding if you want to see him again or not?

Thu Jan 19, 12:25:00 AM  
Blogger My Ramblings... said...

Yikes! No I didnt get married, lol!
I guess I will start looking when I am really ready to get married and my folks are pretty cool about that. (as long as I dont stretch the time limit too far that is;))

Thu Jan 19, 01:06:00 AM  
Blogger Nishu said...

hmm...

Thu Jan 19, 01:13:00 AM  
Blogger Vamsee said...

ALL NEW MEMBERS - Welcome here!:)

Known Stranger - I hope some day blogging can help me get back in touch with those lost connections...PS: known stranger's comments is in context with a comment i left on his blog:)

The Comic Project - yupp, another example for "Pressures of family prestige!" I love your bollywood style writing:)

Accidental Fame Junkie - So true! hmm, I am not sure how my dad would have reacted to that, but he allowed me to speak to around 20+ guys before i even took it to the next level of meeting in person!;)

Pinki - Thanks buddie...I hope you approve PMs to blog!:)

Gangadhar - Thanks, sure dive into the posts soon:)

My Ramblings - oh yeah, its too good to be true if there isnt any restriction :)

Nishu - hmm as in 'hmm..interesting' or 'hmm...I dont get it' or 'hmm...it sucks!' So for now I would take it as a profound comment...in a good way!:)

Thu Jan 19, 01:46:00 AM  
Blogger PNA said...

mmm...
my cousins marriages have all been arranged and has been the modern way as u call it ..they sit around discussing ...and the chip is a lot more ....

i wonder what it would be when it is my turn to get into the same loop
Ash

Thu Jan 19, 03:00:00 AM  
Blogger Jackal said...

yeah many ppl still do it.....and there is a gender bias too...guys still i feel have the freedom of telling whom they want to marry but most of the gals have little say....and it is for the gals to step in n try n change this.....tcc byee

Thu Jan 19, 12:11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yet another interesting post. :)

I do agree on how we get suffocated with family pressures but it is only existent in our system to find someone(parents to start with) who can go to any extent to make sure their kids get only the best available in their reach. Little do they realize that they are crossing the line.

Anyways, I co sign Vamsee's petition to tweek the system a little:)

Thu Jan 19, 01:04:00 PM  
Blogger Bhaskar Sree said...

i say... if you have left it to your parents... then you probably need all those 'taking care of'!!
And then, you would need to crib about it... which is what you end up doing ;)

but seriously, if you really want to be the one chosing your marital partner, then nobody can take it away from you... even if you still go ahead with an 'arranged' marriage!

BTW... cool blog Vamsee.

Bhaskar

Thu Jan 19, 01:16:00 PM  
Blogger Obi Wan said...

I can so relate to all of this. Have been going through a similar trauma almost every night for the last couple of months. What I fail to understand is the way parents make use of the 'atishyokti alankaar'(Gross exagerration)! "You are 29, abhi 35-40 ka ho jaayega to kaun tere se shaadi karegi???" A couple of nights ago, I made the stupid mistake of trying to tell my mom that it was MY life we were talking about! You can guess the rest, I am sure!!!

Fri Jan 20, 09:45:00 AM  
Blogger Vamsee said...

ALL NEW MEMBERS - Welcome here!:)

Ash - Lets just be optimistic in your case as well!:)

Jackal - Agreed n yes the change needs to from within oneself!

Srinath - Yet another good point from you!:)

Joey Tribbiani(Bhaskar) - How ye' doin' ;) Agreed and glad you liked Bindas Bay!:)

Pradyot - Thank God! whew:)

Alive_n_Confused - As always, let us hope and work towards the desired change!:)

ObiWan - Ouch! dude you are soo booked with all the emotional blackmail...we are all with you, Good Luck!:)

Fri Jan 20, 12:13:00 PM  
Blogger Vaikunth said...

I guess your first half of the story answered the second. If a single guy spends 14 hrs at work and the weekends too then where the hell is he gonna find a girl!

I totally agree to your point of "chipping in", well I guess it happens these days, a lot than it used to be :)

Sat Jan 21, 04:02:00 AM  
Blogger Gitz said...

hey, great blog! and thank you for commenting on mines.

I can't really relate to this topic though since, I would say, I am far from a 'marriageable age'. But I still cannot imagine how my parents will deal with it when the time comes. But so far, my parents have been cool about allowing me to take what ever courses I choose for school and they have never expected me to be of a profession they want. They've been very supposrtive and I just hope they do the same when it comes to my marriage.

Also, i disagree with 'jackal' about "it is for the gals to step in n try n change this". I mean u've already said that girls dont get any say in the topic unlike guys who get some. so why shouldn't it be the guy who takes the stand and asks the girl along with her parents if she is ok with the marriage?

wow, i think that was the longest comment i've ever made, and on a topic that so remotely relates to me.

Sat Jan 21, 10:08:00 AM  
Blogger Known Stranger said...

oh ! do people get a series of chat on your blog on the topic you speak. ! hmm i dont get aalong.. i generally come to those page and reply to their comments in their latest blog.. more a kind of chat box i use the comments column.

hey others just bear with me.

Sun Jan 22, 08:45:00 PM  
Blogger Jagan said...

everywhere , every person seems to be talking about marriage ...its gud that i dont hav to take any drastic decision regding this. so let sit back and enjoy life :) ...

here thru ur comment on mine.......this post is nice read .

Sun Jan 22, 10:21:00 PM  
Blogger Vamsee said...

ALL NEW MEMBERS - Welcome here and glad you liked this blog :)

Vaik - yupp, certainly the times are changing, let us just hope for a more uniform change through out India...

Gitz - Enjoy your "un marriageable age" for now and hope for the best when you turn eligible...appreciate your long post:)

Known Stranger - :) How are you a stranger if we know you...Nice nick!:)

Jagan - Thanks and yupp enjoy while you can:)

Sun Jan 22, 11:09:00 PM  
Blogger Shikha said...

Most parents probably start thinking about marriage even before the kids overgrow diapers..okay maybe not that early but my parents have been bugging me about marrying for some time now..they became more vocal once I hit 20..after that there has been a barrage of photos and profiles..sigh

Mon Jan 23, 04:35:00 AM  
Blogger Bhaskar Sree said...

Hey! How ye' doin' ?! ;)

Mon Jan 23, 03:23:00 PM  
Blogger rebel_on_loose said...

Hey there...thnx for dropping by!
Well, prettty interesting topic this 1!
:) I guess every1 in their mid-twenties share the same concern....
Hey even guys r pretty apprehensive of getting tagged up with sum1 they can't/won't connect...so i guess females r not the only 1s with this concern!
A nice take, though.
:)
Cheers!

Tue Jan 24, 04:45:00 AM  

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